I was reminded yesterday of how far God has brought me in my transformation from the old me to the new me. It was sobering.
I received an unsolicited message from someone that I had deeply wounded by my words almost 35 years ago.
WHAT?
35 years ago? "Whose problem is THAT?", you may be asking.
Well, it was not mine until it came to my attention... and then I had a decision. Do I "own" it or just ignore it and leave it lie?
I read this message several times and even thought back to so many things:
- who I was then
- where I was in Christ then
- how young and impetuous I was
- all that was going on in my life as a 12 and 13 year old
- what my heart must have been feeling
So many thought rushed through my mind and then I realized - I HAVE to own this. I have to address THIS injustice from my youth!
For those of you who know me now and maybe did not know me then - I was a self-centered, angry, arrogant and prideful kid who was watching his "family" fall apart for a second time in under five years.
My responses to all of that were not the right responses but at the time I did not really know how to express what I was feeling so i was mean to those that I decided were "less important" than me. I was meanly sarcastic, I looked for people to make fun of, I embarrassed people to make myself look better than them. I had said the "prayer of salvation" but as of that point I do not think that the love of God had pierced my heart like it has today.
In fact, I can point back to several events from that time through the end of my college years where I knew God was drawing me in to His chest and breaking my heart to reshape it in a new way!
However, that certainly does not mean that I am excused from my past behaviors or that there are no consequences from them. I do know that I am forgiven (both by God and even by many of the individuals whom I have scarred) but forgiveness does not remove consequences.
So when I read and re-read this message, it broke my heart. It reminded me of the journey upon which I find myself and know that as I look toward the goal of the prize for which I have been called, I also look back and see some of the carnage that I have left in my wake. I am NOT who I was. I am NOT who I want to be. But, I am on a journey of living each moment in the presence of the Almighty God and if He chooses to wreck me.. then so be it...it will be for His glory. If He chooses to bless me... then so be it... but let me be blessed for His glory alone. I am confident of this - He is still at work in me and I can take comfort in knowing that there is NO BETTER PLACE to be than in the HAND of the ONLY FEARSOME and ALL-POWERFUL God of the UNIVERSE!So... what did I do?
The only thing that I knew to do -
(what do I always say? "The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do, but in the end, God blesses")- I apologized for my actions and words that scarred someone deeply almost 35 years ago that I just now discovered I had done. It was the only right thing to do.
God is not finished with me yet - nor is He finished with YOU
(you're still breathing right? cuz if you are still breathing than God is not finished with you yet).Keep the faith, press on, do not let past actions, words, sins and behaviors wrap you up, define you or discourage you! Face them, welcome them so that you can lay them at the feet of the only One that can make you whole again. Ask God to give you strength to trust Him each day with all that comes your way.
I am so glad that the New Management in my life is having a "clearance event" to get rid of the old and transform it into something new and beautiful. Be glad, also!
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